September 2008
How to resolve a conflict
| Stage 1: |
Before you do anything, sleep on the problem. If something happens again and again, experts agree that a face-to-face meeting is best—provided the situation is safe. "If the issue is that your neighbor keeps loaded guns lying around or has three pit bulls straining at the leash, I might advise otherwise," says attorney Emily Doskow. But before you meet with your neighbor or attempt to deal with any aspect of the problem, sleep on it. Then pick a convenient time to discuss the issue and "assume that your neighbor isn't aware of the problem and would want to fix it if they were," Doskow adds. Be prepared for a defensive reaction, or even a counterattack. If it comes, respond calmly and sympathetically.
If the friendly approach fails, follow up with the neighbor in writing. Restate the problem and cite any relevant local and state laws. A Google search, with the name of your town and the laws that apply, might lead you to the information. Or go to www.findlaw.com or www.nolo.com/statute/index.cfm. A visit to city hall or your local library could also provide you with the necessary information. And if the problem affects others, ask them to sign the letter too. Sometimes just seeing several signatures can persuade a stubborn neighbor to relent.
| Stage 2: |
Mediators, neutral third parties, sit down with feuding neighbors to help them figure out a fair solution to a problem. Their goal is to open the lines of communication, rather than say who's right or wrong. Mediators, many of whom are local volunteers, can be brought in at any stage of a dispute. There are some 400 community-based mediation centers nationwide; services are often free or priced on a sliding scale. To find a mediator, use the state-by-state directory on the Web site of the National Association for Community Mediation (www.nafcm.org). Or hire a private mediator. Often an attorney, a private mediator will charge higher fees but might be more familiar with the intricacies of the law than a community mediator. To find a private mediator, check the Yellow Pages or go to www.mediate.com.
| Stage 3: |
Court is usually the last resort. The process is expensive, and the result is unpredictable. "You don't control the outcome," says Jonathan Rosenthal, executive director of Alternative Dispute Resolution Programs for the District Court of Maryland. "It's entirely up to the judge, who may listen to only certain evidence." Courts often insist that neighbors first try mediation. A middle ground between mediation and regular court is small-claims court. But judges in small-claims courts generally can't prevent your neighbor from undertaking the nuisance behavior or stop a problem. And while they can award money, they can't enforce payment.
