Marriage minders

Be open and compromise

Try to adopt a "disclose, discuss, decide" approach, says Lynnette Khalfani-Cox, author of "Zero Debt" (Advantage World Press, 2008). The first step is to disclose to your spouse all of your spending and debt obligations. Ideally, that should be done before getting married, but Khalfani-Cox notes that many married couples don't discover the extent of their spouse's financial obligations, including credit-card debts, until a crisis hits.

Next, couples have to rigorously assess their financial positions, with an emphasis on open communication and shared responsibility. That means creating and frequently updating your financial priorities together. Agree on attainable goals but accept differences in some areas and speak to each other with understanding and respect about differing financial priorities. Some of your financial dreams might need to be downsized or postponed in the current climate.

James Tissot, a certified financial planner and president of Prism Planning in New York City, recommends creating a list of dreams, wants, and needs and ranking those on a scale of 1 to 10 for importance. "By creating a list and working together, each couple is actually creating their own financial survival plan to a temporary situation," he says.

When Mellan, the psychotherapist, coaches couples, she has each person make a financial priority list. Frequently, the lists have to be redone several times before couples find common ground. Items that might have seemed a priority at first often rank differently after further review. Then the lists are combined and reworked until the couple has a shared goal list.

Avoid risky trade-offs, such as halting contributions to your retirement accounts or children's college savings plans, or not paying your life-insurance premiums, says Dax Olsher, a financial adviser at Smith Barney in Boca Raton, Fla. Stopping those expenditures will only set the stage for future economic turmoil (and the marital strains that might come with it). Instead, try to reduce them to more manageable levels during tough times.

Confer regularly

Schedule a monthly shared financial audit to help limit surprises and prevent relationship-wounding arguments. For your audit, review your spending and saving patterns and honestly disclose any extra purchases. Then set your spending and saving goals for the next month.

"Operate within a budget," Olsher suggests. "Not having a budget often leads to unexpected shortfalls." And shortfalls often lead to short tempers. Try to schedule your money discussions for the least stressful time of day for both of you.

Create a cash cushion

Anxiety can only worsen when you have little or no savings to fall back on. Work together on ways to cut back on spending and add to your savings, such as brown-bagging your lunch a few days a week, downsizing your cable package, eating at home more often, or making your own coffee in the morning instead of buying it on the way to work.

Even a few dollars saved every day adds up over time and can help ease money worries. "The No. 1 argument among couples, besides the one over financial anxiety, is about spending," Khalfani-Cox says. "Couples are arguing over how much money is being spent and on what."

Split expenses fairly

Every couple's money style is different, but many financial planners recommend keeping a joint account for shared expenses along with individual accounts for each spouse. "Beyond the important joint planning, it's always healthy to have access to money you don't have to check in with a spouse to use," says Scott Brewster, president of Brewster Financial Planning and a certified financial planner in Brooklyn, N.Y.

Brewster also recommends a fair-share approach to joint expenses instead of simply splitting them 50/50, especially when there's a disparity in earnings. If one spouse takes home $100,000 and the other $50,000, for example, then the higher-wage earner pays two-thirds of the joint expenses. Be sure to include retirement savings, an emergency savings fund, and any plans for big-ticket purchases when tallying joint expenses, Brewster says.

Be understanding

If your spouse has lost his or her job, keep in mind that it's a traumatic experience. Day One might not be the time for the "just pull yourself up by your bootstraps" speech. Khalfani-Cox, herself downsized from a six-figure salary in 2003, says to avoid competitive language. Mellan suggests empathetic listening, using expressions such as "I imagine you might be feeling …" or "It makes sense that you feel …." Don't follow that with a big "but ..." and then start assigning blame or attacking the other person's money style, she says.

Having those conversations can be even more critical when the man has been the primary wage earner and is laid off, according to some experts. "Sometimes the breadwinning man loses part of his identity after a job loss," Tissot notes.

Have a Plan B

Not having a backup plan is one of the biggest mistakes couples make, experts say. "Failure to plan leads to financial ruin and marital distress," Khalfani-Cox says. With job loss so common now, every couple should ask the big "What if?" and then create a solid financial plan that answers it. Have a cash reserve to cover six months of expenses, including credit-card and loan payments. If it's still too much to handle, know where to turn. For example, call your credit lenders to try to negotiate partial payments.

Make it a team effort

Mellan says that having one person manage the money while the other stays in relative darkness is another of the most common mistakes made by couples, even in this day. When both spouses are involved in finding solutions, each of them is more likely to follow their plan and be committed to their goals.

Get a professional

See a fee-only certified financial planner or other reputable financial adviser, if necessary, for advice. Khalfani-Cox also recommends the National Foundation for Debt Management (www.nfdm.org), which offers free or low-cost services to help people create a plan to get out of debt and manage their expenses. Having an independent third-party perspective on your situation, especially during an economically stressful time like this, can help keep emotions from clouding your financial judgment.

Keep a healthy perspective

Resist the urge to fall into a doom-and-gloom mindset, easy as that may be.

"Don't forget your overall financial strategy and long-term planning," says Olsher of Smith Barney. "This is a moment in time. If we hunker down, tighten our belts, and stick to solid financial planning principles, we will survive this. Things will get better."